I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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