so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
