True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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