My sheets look like a crime scene.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
