After last night, I could never be a politician.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
