Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
