we have pet lesbian snakes
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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