I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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