Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize