found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
