are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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