...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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