that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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