I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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