She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
