...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
