I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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