i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
