after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
