I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
