You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
