I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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