Someone shit on the floor
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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