sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We're like a lot better than the average bears
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
