I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
