The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
