Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
