My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize