I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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