I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
