went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
