Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
