Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
