im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
