New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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