I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
