if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize