highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
