i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
