sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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