hotel room ftw
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
