okay pat passed out under dana's car
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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