I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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