i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
