I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
