you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize