I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
