She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
