Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
