dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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