Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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