Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
