like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize