I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
