We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
