just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
