I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
