I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize