On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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