i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
