You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
3pm strippers are depressing
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
