So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
