he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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