they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
