I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I've blown a few things in my day
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
