his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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