Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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