Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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