Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
