we have pet lesbian snakes
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
